The situation in late February 2014

Addendum, written on Feb 25.
I never published the November 4 piece of writing until now. It was a shock. You can see what I finally published in the email to family and friends. I waited until I knew more and then spoke from facts not fantasies. I publish the my November  writing so that you have some idea that this affliction cannot be ignored.

As it turned out it took a loooong week until I finally heard from the doctor. He told me that the PSA had gone up, that what he was doing was giving me a heads up that if it stayed up, I would probably need a different treatment. We did not talk about end of life issues. I have thought about them, though, as you can imagine. The only thing I know to keep your sanity as this thing dwells in you is to look at it clearly. Don't flinch. Don't look away. It is not going away.

November 4, 2013
Well, what a hell of a day. First, I take off for my CVLR photo class. It goes well. I have the pace correct for the audience. I take them through steps that I am astounded they can’t do, like find macro. During the class, my phone rings. I make a joke about never calling me at this number and go on. The class is a blast. I love it. The technology worked well. The students appeared to get the processes. I leave feeling great, even though it has rained all morning. At home Mary has had a fine workout. I check the phone to see who called me. I don’t recognize the 651 number. But there is a voice mail. A man. My urologist. His message is ridiculously brief. “Is there a better number to call me at? “ I call back, go through a zillion pick-this-number items.

All I end up with is his voice mail. I leave a message to call me back. And then I wait, and have waited all day. I had my psa taken on Friday. This is Monday morning. Urologists don’t call to tell you “My that was a fine test.” The nurse does that. Urologists call because there is an issue, and in this case the issue surely is not good. On Sunday I had odd shooting pains down the left side of my penis. Today I have had ones on the right side and a bit in that right testicle. During the summer and fall I often felt really tired when I woke up, even if I had slept for 8-9 hours. What is the deal?

I spent the afternoon sending a few emails, playing solitaire, working on some camera and Photoshop Elements 12 processes. It is amazing how slow the time can pass. I avoid Mary. She tries to act like she has lots of jobs to do, and, well, she does them, working on her letters. Good. I am trying to think what might need to be arranged. A funeral service. Money items. What to do with the house. What to do with all the junk I have collected—tools, furniture, books, photos. I want someone to publish a book of my photos. In the end my goal is to show others how to die. But, to be honest, I would rather do that in several years. I feel great about 2013 and tell Mary. She agrees. I am in a position right now where I am not regretting what I have done with my life and my years. I like where I am. Here it is, 8:47. He will call tomorrow I am sure, not tonight. Happy 3 a.m. February 25, 2014 Time passed. I am at ease with the many possibilities that lie ahead. What you find out when you have this disease is that you can’t live with fear and you can’t stop living. God, is that neat.

But in December I had a physical from my GP. He suggested that I eliminate all dairy from my diet, so I have. Dairy products contain casein, a protein that prostate cancer “feeds on” (not sure exactly what that means other than if there is more casein in your body, the cancer finds it easier to grow and metastasize). I have eliminated dairy. I drink soy milk, eat (very little) fake cheese and ice cream. Milk was easy to give up. Cheese was harder. I have learned to read the ingredients lists on food products. I am amazed at how many products contain dairy. My family and friends have been very supportive in adjusting their food selection when I am present. My neighbor has had prostate cancer for about 15 years. He works hard at his diet. Diet, it turns out, can have an impact on how quickly the cancer grows. I decided to take the doctor’s advice.

I am having and have had a good winter. We thought of a month in Italy, especially in the south in Puglia, the heel of the Italian boot. I decided against it. It felt like running away to me. So we have stayed here. I have rather enjoyed the harsh winter. I have started to teach myself German, I have spent lots of time tracking my ggggrandfather Jacob Weber, I will give a talk on that process on March 15. I started a photographers’ group—we meet once a month to critique photos. The owner of the restaurant we meet at has invited us to put up an exhibit of our works; that happens in mid-April. My own show of photos will be up throughout March at the Menomonie Coop. I have written another article about genealogy, and I have a series of drafts exploring the nature of questioning in teaching. We have snow shoed. We have had many dinner guests. We had a spectacular Christmas get together. The grandkids have stayed here. Jane spent a great weekend here. I have gone back to regular rock climbing.

We try to work out three times a week. Those workouts have been wonderful for things like balance and confidence lifting. Just past week I slipped on some ice, but caught myself so I did not fall. I suspect I would have done a header two years ago. I helped Mary put on a very successful Martin Luther King event based on his idea of community and the work of her students from her creative writing class in the Dunn County Jail. We have been to a number of cultural events here in Menomonie and in the Twin Cities, including not only “The Ballad of Emmet Till” but also a small event featuring the playwright, several of the actors and the director of Penumbra theater. What we have done the past few months feels so right, so good. Many years ago a friend wondered if we had been smart enough to immerse ourselves in the joys of the moment. I am not sure about then, but I know I do now. What a great gift.

And so, that brings you up to date. I go to the urologist on Thursday, March 6. My new PSA will be posted probably the next day or else by the following Monday. I decided not to wait for a phone call. They are willing to just post the numbers and you deal with what you see. I am fine with that. Rather that than the voice on the line being the doctor and me knowing we are not having a ‘hey-how-ya-doin’-call.’

A turn of events in the cancer fight

In November 2013 I received a bit of sobering news, though not entirely unexpected. My cancer is acting up.

Here is the email I sent to family and friends: Hi, I sent this email to my kids earlier today. Here is your copy. What can I say? What is, is. Share with your kids. Thanks for all your support. If you want to talk about it, please ask. You are great, Love, Dan Hi, I had my PSA drawn on November 1. On November 11, Dr. Sershon called me to tell me that the number had jumped. He did not tell me the new number. I can get it in the next few days. It was my choice. The old numbers had always been below.2, or "undetectable". Well. He said he will watch the number at my next PSA draw in March. If it stays up, I will be referred to his associate for further treatment because it probably means there is a clump of cancer in there somewhere. Which of course I already know: The cancer has never gone away completely; that's why the PSA never went to 0. Sershon also explained that the number could go back down, that PSA related to lupron treatments sometimes jumps and goes back. So there is nothing to do but wait to see.

Just to be clear, Sershon is a pretty blunt guy. No mention of "affairs in order" or "bucket list." And I have no such intentions, though a month in Europe sounds good. The last thing he said to me was "Have a good winter," which is exactly what I plan to do.

Please know that I am not afraid nor am I worried. Look at these things head on and don't flinch. I refuse to allow these facts to affect the way I live in the now. And living now means that I am deeply in love with you all and your children, and that I know what that means at a very deep level, and that it is a lot of fun, making for a very fine way to get up in the morning. So, a bit sobering, but having cancer is a bit sobering. Hug, laugh, dance, call me, try new things (I am working, after years of ignoring it, to learn flash photography. I just bought a nice external flash. Tomorrow I can get back to rock climbing. Today I checked out cork flooring for the kitchen.) God it is great to be on the same team as you guys.

Love, Dan, Dad, Doc