April 2011 A change

I just this week met with my radiologist. He suggested that I see him again in January. I will see my urologist in July and, the radiologist suggested, I should arrange to see him in July 2012. I was amazed. And, somehow, a lid was lifted off me. I feel better than I have in years. I am not afraid, but, still, there is that awful, well-you-are-good-for-three-months feeling. I have had it the entire time. Each time I go for a psa I fill with concern. What if it really spikes? Then what? Propelled by that, well, fear, or awareness, I have crammed a lot into this past year. We have travelled, I have delved deep into family genealogy, spent as much time as I can with family and especially grandkids, and learned to love each moment.

Here is the deal. My psa has slowly, very incrementally risen over the past year. I am now at .1. The cut off is .2. At that point they can no longer say, Well it is random. At that point it is Well it is back. So each time I go to the psa and hope it will be lower and it has not been. Each time I fantasize about the consequences. And now the radiologist, who strikes me as conservative in his evaluations, has said, Let's go to 6 month intervals instead of three month. I floated out of the office.

I have had the stance throughout this ordeal that I keep having a three-month reprieve. Nothing notable this time, so off you go for another three months. My urologist has used the phrase 'cancer free' with me, but, to be honest, I could only interpret that as 'cancer free for 3 months.' This last encounter has left me basically very uplifted. I am surprised at how all of a sudden I am thinking far in advance--which means what we might do next year--and not focusing on what today and the next few days.

I find, as I have said before, that I am not worried or afraid. What is, is. I know fear and I know its relative anger. I don't have them. I can face this. But I have to tell you that it is ok to face it later, rather than sooner. I want, I find, so desperately to have my grandchildren remember me. And this disease has pushed me into a way of relating to those kids unlike the way either my father or father-in-law related to my kids. I try to be more involved and personal.

And so, off I go into the summer. I still have July's psa to deal with, but whatever it is, will be fine. Over and over I learn the gift of cancer--I love better and I enjoy more. Love you. D