nine months later

It is just about nine months since I finished radiation. So what has happened? Well, to get to what is most important to many people, the ED is still there. The incontinence is gone. The weight I gained is still on. The hemorrhoid is essentially gone, though I have not gone back to eating salads and periodically (like this morning) there is a 'tag' which causes some bleeding and discomfort, but not the YEEOWW! reaction that I had early on. As for ED, I tried cialis in various dosages. It never worked all that well to create EF (erectile function) and it gave me one good headache after another. So I quit. I don't use anything now. We have adapted our life to that reality. Our marriage is not based on sex alone and so we have had other pillars to support us even though the one pillar is not very sturdy.

But let's talk about cancer. Since I finished radiation I have had 3 psa drawings. The first was .001. In other words undetectable. I went gleefully to see my urologist, Dr. Sershon, who threw water on that glee. I was still under the influence of lupron and for all practical purposes the reading did not count. It was being artificially suppressed. The second one, in August, was a shock. It was 0.145. Well, while that seemed like a huge jump, it wasn't a jump into bad territory. For my urologist and my radiologist to be concerned enough to recommend further treatment (or, I suppose, getting my affairs in order) the reading has to be above 0.2. As a result of the reading the urologist did not even call me to comment on the reading. Nothing happened so I continued on with life. Then in November I had another draw. This time the reading was 0.11, down from 0.145 three months ago. This is good. The radiologist, whom I met with later in November (once again, since the reading was below .2 the urologist did not call me), explained that after radiation typically the psa goes up (which mine did) and then starts down (which mine did). That is what is supposed to happen. If it continues it means that the radiation was effective. But it takes a number of psa tests over a period of time to establish a pattern. So I will have a psa taken every three months for the next year, actually five more times until 2011. If the psa gets to 0.1 or lower it is regarded as negligible or even undetectable and as long as it stays in that area, no treatments are recommended. As near as I can tell, it is not possible to get a psa of 0.000. My number has gone from 0.145 to 0.11. It has fallen .03 and if it falls .01 more it will be negligible.

Now how does all this feel? Well, as I have said, I am neither afraid nor worried. I don't wake up in the middle of the night with the hollow fear of death slithering around me. But to say that I pay no attention to these tri-monthly experiences would be false. What I find is that as the time for the drawing approaches, it is difficult to make decisions beyond what I will do today and tomorrow. I tried to think about buying a new car this autumn. No go. I will try again after Christmas, but who knows? At work I through myself into strategic planning, but mostly I found myself (and so did my co-workers) grumpy. Staying in my office all day felt good. Right now, with weeks to go until my next draw in early February, I am pretty carefree. But that tightening will come again. What can I do? what is is. But actually the time after the draw is worse. This time I did not get the results for days. I expected a call from the urologist's office; none came. Even though I had my work done at their place, they told me it would be ten days. And even then I had not heard. When I have the draw in Menomonie, I have the results in two days at most. I heard the reading at the radiologist's. The nurse just said 'oh, your psa was 0.11.' I felt a glow completely unexpectedly. The radiologist told me to come see him in a year. I will see the urologist in February, which will be one year since I finished radiation. Interestingly, I had that same glow after I had the draw at the Woodbury office. Somehow, having the wait over and the draw taken, was a huge relief. I felt so light and airy all the way home. Strange.

During these months life has been wonderful. We went to Europe, met wonderful people in Czech republic and Germany. Will Daniel was born in mid-October. Nate's fortieth birthday and thanksgiving were exuberant. Everyone was here for that event. We had a houseful and I loved it. I am buying trundle beds so no one has to sleep on air mattresses again. Mary and I spent her 67th birthday in the city at the MIA. We had fabulous meals and Cheers-everyone-knows-our-name experiences at two different restaurants. I told the provost that I would retire June 30. We have trips to Seattle and back to Europe--Scandinavia, Germany, Czech Republic, Switzerland, Italy--planned for 2010. Perhaps Hawaii in December 2010. We rented, with Clare, an apartment in Minneapolis, down by the Stone Arch bridge. I still love my job and I can see not only that it is creating some change, but the path to keep the change going.

I can't control what will happen to me. I know I would rather die of cancer than of alzheimers. But I can't dwell on that. There is today, and tomorrow, and then all that time stretching out like those long shadows cast by the trees on winter solstice as the sun reverses direction and starts north toward summer once again. Love. Dan