Dealing with fear and worry

I want to talk a bit about worry and fear and fighting. In an earlier post I made it sound pretty dramatic when I compared the action to fighting cold in the arctic. It is a bit different than that.  To be honest, most days I don't think much about cancer but unexpected comments or news stories can suddenly bring the problem into focus. Let me run through various scenarios but first some background.

With this disease I meet a doctor regularly, 3-4 times a year.  Each one of those visits follows a PSA test, or as recently, some medical procedure like a bone scan. In between those visits I live a pretty normal worry/fear life. I worry about children, grandchildren, financial items, politics, but not a whole lot on cancer.  As the time to meet the doctor approaches though, I find myself turning over the possibilities--this time he will tell me all is well, or the end is near, or new treatment is needed, whatever. I run through them all, practicing how I will respond, both to him or her and also to me. During these times it is pretty easy to be crabby and it is then that I have to remind myself to do what I tell everyone to do--look it in the eye. Identify it. Live with the known rather than fear the unknown. Most of the time that approach--my fighting cold in the arctic--works and I get through the time, though it is emotionally uncomfortable.

Other times, though, the cancer pops up out of nowhere. A common one is a plan for the future. I make pretty tentative plans. So for instance my brothers are starting to plan a road trip down the Mississippi, something we have talked about for years and now can do because we are all retired. But when the topic comes up I find myself thinking,Well, sure, but I hope my treatment is such that I can go, or that my health is such that I can do. We are planning a trip to Europe in the spring to visit some relatives and to do some family research and to just look around. Same deal. I don't have any plane or hotel reservations.

Or I have an appointment with the oncologist on December 16 to determine how effective the casodex is. If it is effective, then all goes on as it is. If not, a new treatment will be in store. I don't spend much time worrying about December 16, but when one of those trips comes up, the thought of what might be true on December 16 pops into my mind. I have learned to deal with it, but it is unsettling.

Then today there was a story about a guy who died of cancer. He had an inoperable brain tumor but tried some desperate treatment which led to horrible side effects, so he finally stopped all treatment and then died peacefully 10 months after being diagnosed. One point of the story was that the doctors advised out of giving the greatest sense of hope, even though doctors often do not try the miracle cures. I found that upsetting. I tell my doctors, Tell me what you are thinking, not what the best though improbable hope is. Yet a story like that hangs with me. A urologist called my case "extensive" the other day. I reneged on my mission statement; I didn't ask him what he meant or rather what his comment meant for me. That issue hangs on.  Today I resolved my problem as I worked out. I started on the elliptical and repeatedly brought that story up to myself. Finally the  focus on the activities melted the concern away.

So, battling fear and worry is not a case of the dragons screaming as they attack, it is these quiet unexpected moments where I have to right myself after I am thrown off balance. I hope you can do that too.