September 11, 2015
I found my most recent PSA checkup on Sept 8 daunting. After I began using Zytega in early July, the
PSA dropped from 350 to 89 in just 3 weeks.
Wow, was that encouraging. On
September 8 the PSA was up to 260. It
will be measured again on September 22. If it goes up, I will start a new
medication and if it goes down, I will stay on Zytega.
Of course after that spectacular drop, the recent results
were disappointing. I try not to let myself hope for good things, but I admit I
hoped that after the spectacular beginning, the number would be even
lower.
The daunting part comes from my realization that I really am
in an end of life situation. I have
always been able to avoid that awareness. Oh, I had it, and acknowledged it
verbally, but never really in my gut. That happened the other day. It is not
particularly scary, as I have known for years that it would happen. I just
wasn’t prepared; it caught me off guard.
I just had a friend die of cancer and earlier this summer
another one. For both of them they were
basically OK and lively even though what they had was, they knew, terminal. And
then one day it set in and within a short time, 2-4 weeks, they had died. I finally realized that this could happen to
me at any time, beginning tomorrow. Like
I say, that caught me off guard.
I am basically not sure how to handle this. One part of me
says, Carpe diem!—we have done that all summer: trip down the Mississippi, trip
to Denmark, month with son and family in Seattle. And another says, Start getting rid of stuff
so life is easier for Mary after I am gone and she doesn’t have to clean out
all the stuff I have collected over the years.
I think I will work on that in the upcoming weeks.
I am not sure what to say. Getting my head around this is
taking a bit. I am resolved to not
crumble to cancer and its inevitable end.
I am resolved to be even-keeled and funny to the end. But still, when
the realization that it could begin any day occurs, there is a hard couple of
hours.
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