Radiation is Over, Now What?

Radiation is over. It ended on Feb 9. We took chocolates from Legacy Chocolate to the radiation therapists. They gave us a mug from mnAngels and a Goodbye certificate. We had hugs all around. And then done. I was surprised. I sat in the car and suddenly the emotion came from nowhere--I had not been feeling emotional--and overtook me. I sat there and cried. We took the rest of the day off. It was a Monday and the only museum open was the Science Museum so we went there, a bit against my desires. But we had a fabulous time. I loved the water exhibit, and I can't get enough of dinosaurs and the history of the earth. And we had an ok lunch in the museum. Then home.

The aftereffects? I still get tired in the evening and I have a mother of a hemorrhoid. That is it physically. Psychologically it is a bit different. At first I had that Zone feeling that I have talked about before. It seemed odd to be at work all day. That feeling went away. Work is easy. I like what I do and whom I do it with. I am learning how to be a director and am finally thinking big, rather than small, get the work done. I want a building and an endowed chair and a really big grant. Anyway it is easy to come to work and to get into the events of the day and commit myself to what needs to be done, and to think of new things to do.

But there is something else. I will be 65 in several weeks. I am not really ready to go, but more and more I think about going. How much time do I have left? I don't know. Radiation is great in one way. I just threw myself into it. Every day. Now that it is over, I wait for May for the psa. That test will position me. What will be will be, what is is. But the waiting is not particularly fun. So I have begun to think about spirituality. Not exactly religion, though the two are so intertwined as to be indistinguishable. I have tried breathing on my own. Just take it in. I learned to do this in pilates in Houston, but it is more relaxing than I had thought and it is more connecting--with myself, my body, and the world--than I had thought. But I know nothing really. I need to train myself more, to learn how to enter the system of meditation. I will work on it and let you know how I come out.

In all of this I have been impressed by sacramentality a la Thomas Merton and by the choice of what to do next. I like sacramentality. I have been doing that all my life. That is what travel and photography are about. About next I am not sure. Next is working with Stout and affecting that system or next is finally returning to the fun of being an undergraduate or a graduate part-time and working part-time? Next is keeping on to see what can happen? or leaving and doing the traveling and living abroad I have never done?

So that is where radiation has left me. On the edge. I sort of like it here. That is it for now. I need to work on these ideas a bit. What if my psa is high in May? Ouch. And if low? Also ouch? Sorry to be vague. I'll return to this again.