“Is it ever difficult to keep such a positive attitude and how has
that changed? Was it tougher years ago to hear bad news or tougher now? Do you
ever just get super fucking pissed off? Does Aunt Mary have the same positive
attitude? The kids?"
The positive attitude is easier to maintain since I found out that I
don’t have fear. I could never say that this is easy, though. The awareness of
a date hovers in the background, like vultures riding wind currents in my head.
The issue isn’t so much keeping the attitude as keeping the interest. Some days
it is just real easy to think “Oh I’ll get to that tomorrow” or “I don’t really
care.” It is just a kind of depression
that hits in. And sometimes I really don’t feel up to exercise, even walking up
and down steps to do some little errand. I guess as I write this that it is
hard to not let those depressive moments take over. But I haven’t had too much
trouble rallying. I am trying to do this part of my life in a way that helps
other people deal with this kind of experience. I am trying to do this with
some finesse, to be a model. It is the major reason that I am so open about
what is going on with me. Actually what is is really hard is the limit that is
placed on planning. Everything revolves around the three-week cycle of chemo. I
would like to climb once a week. Can’t do it. Maybe I can get one climb in the
week before chemo. We think about going to NYC or to Europe—we can afford it
and we have mileage besides. Still, saying “All right, we’ll have this week in
NYC, those 2-3 weeks in Europe,” is really hard to do. I guess the answer is
just do it and worry about the pieces if things fall apart (some of the best
financial advice I ever to was “new data, new plan”—it works for just about everything
not just retirement savings.)
It was tougher years ago to hear bad news. The washer breaks. The
transmission needs to be replaced. No raise this year. They didn’t like my
article or my presentation. There is an issue with kids. Now it is easier. Part
of it is that I am older, part is that I have enough money, part is that this
reality has been with me for 8 plus years. I think it is much easier to deal
with this than what I have seen happen to younger people. For instance a young
friend had a baby born weeks early. It lived two hours. That blow will take
years to overcome. Grandma had to do that with Mary Claire. I and everyone who
has supported me in all this is already prepared.
No I don’t get fucking pissed off. Here is the deal. All I have to
do is die. Mary has to get me and her through that and then start a new life. She
has periods of being pissed off but she doesn’t share a lot of that with me. It
would be ok if she did. I sure don’t mind helping, and returning the support
favors she bestows on me. I am not sure about the kids. They have not told me
much about their feelings, except that it is emotional when I send out the news
that my time is limited. Again it would be ok if I heard about it. What I want
is candid clear questions and reports and what I want to be able to do is give
candid clear answers.
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