Falling in love with cancer

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I had an amazing experience awhile back.  Jimmy Carter announced that he was now cancer free.  His doctors had employed therapy that used his immune system to fight and eradicate the cancer.  My wife said that that would be great for me.  My reaction was “I’m not sure.” What? Sweet Jesus!  I could hardly believe my ears but I could feel the truth of the sentiment inside me. 

I had converted to liking being a cancer victim.  I have made my peace with dying.  I have a life right now that is dominated by cancer such that whatever I do is sort of an in-your-eye cancer decision.  I have a support system of people who want to hear, regularly, how things are going with me.  When things are bad, I get support;when they are good, I get support. Now that I am on chemo, people greet me and ask how I am doing; they do the same when they run into Mary in the store or around town.  But it is not just the external people, it is internal to me.  This life is in its own constricted way very satisfying.  If it were gone, I would have to do some serious adapting. It reminds me a bit of being in the zone, like when I have written a book and that is all I can do for months, all else is marginal.  Or like travelling where the journey is actually the most fun and the destination is sometimes not all that easy to get into sync with after the adventure of the journey.

Can you believe this? During November my brothers led a healing ceremony for me.  My oldest brother read the words and all the people who were there put their hands on me.  The first line he read was “May you desire to be healed.”  And later “May you keep hope in your heart.”  I found in that minute that I was not sure that I did desire to be healed. I  have lived through so many failed attempts just to restrain not even cure the disease, that I found I had slipped into a kind of position in which I saw myself as one who endures.  And of course enduring is actually sort of fun.

I had no idea when I first heard those words that I felt that way.  Now I know.  It is now another thing that I must fight.  And I have begun to do so.  As with many of the issues in dealing with cancer, the most important part of the battle is conceptualizing the problem. And now, of course I have hope and desire to be healed.  I tell you this so that if this infliction falls on you, or if some other one puts you in a similar position, you know that the insidiousness of falling in love with the oppressor is there, it probably will happen to you, and you have to do something about it.

January 16, 2016